100 Top Funny Quotes
Funny top quotes for our website viewers selected collection of funny quotes by famous authors.
- With improve, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny.
- I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.
- Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
- Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
- Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
- If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.
- My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
- It's funny how a chubby kid can just be having fun, and people call it entertainment!
- Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
- As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.
- I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
- One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
- The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have.
- Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.
- A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
- It's a funny thing; the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
- I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
- By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
- The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
- If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
- Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
- Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
- There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
- I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
- If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
- The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
- Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
- My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
- A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
- Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
- Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
- Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
- If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
- They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
- Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
- A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
- That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
- Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is horned by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
- An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.
- When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
- The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things... I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't.
- It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
- If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
- I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Sakes.
- I don't like forcing comedy and people just trying to do things just to find a funny beat all the time.
- I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
- That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.
- Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
- I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
- I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
- A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
- When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
- It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
- Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
- The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
- I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
- I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
- I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
- It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
- My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
- I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
- Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
- When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
- Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
- Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
- If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
- The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
- The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
- Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
- Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
- If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.
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